Monday, November 20, 2006

I Love My New Place!!!!

Hello Everyone!
Well I'm getting moved into my new place. I really like my new roomates. Jan and Ally. Its cool because yesterday morning I got home from work and sat in the living room and visited with them. It was cool because I would never have even thought of doing that at my last place. Marie was quite the B****. We really did not get along.
We started talking about depression and such and we could really relate to each other. I think it will be good to be able to interact with them. Its nice to have people who understand me and I can understand them. I have a lot of friends who tell me to "just get over it" Its really frustrating. When you are really depressed you can't "Just get over it" or "change your attitude."
It really sucks because I can't buy anyone christmas gifts this year besides my intermediate family. Thats the best part about Christmas is being able to buy people gifts. I love getting people gifts. I hate being poor. I can't do anything fun. IT SUCKS MAN!!!!
My aunt wanda is trying to help me with my budget, which is fine. The only thing is she doesn't understand the fact that with depression and borderline personality disorder comes the trait of impulses. She doesn't understand my need to buy things once in a while. Sometimes I just have an impulse buy and I HAVE to buy something. Not many people understand that unless they have been there. It kind of sucks. I just don't how to stop spending. If I have money I like to spend it. Sometimes I have to make a choice to buy things or to cut myself. If I spend money than I don't always have to cut myself. I get in trouble either way so it kind of sucks.
I can't wait. I get to see my counselor today. Her name is Peggy. She is really cool. I think she will actually be able to help me. I now understand what Rachel Reiland meant in her book "Get Me Out of Here" She could not wait to see her counselor each time. She would count each day until the day until she was to meet with her again. It was like it was the only thing holding her together. That is kind of how I feel with Peggy. Its like if I had to miss an appointment, I wouldn't know what to do. Does that make me crazy? I really hope not. I guess I'm already crazy, so I guess it really doesn't matter if that makes me more crazy.
People tell me I'm not really crazy, I just have somethings I need to work out. I don't I guess thats true. I just feel crazy alot. I wish I could just meet a straight 6 months, everyday, all day with Peggy and get things over with. Instead of meeting an hour and than having to wait another three days. Its like just 14 hours and 18 minutes. UGH!!!! I'm at work now. In about two hours I can go home and sleep. That will take up most of the time.
Well thats about all here. Not much else is happening today.

Talk to you all later!!!!


Sunday, November 19, 2006

I've Been Thinking Lately....

I have always wondered what can cause a parent to treat their child with such hate. My mom was very abusive to my brothers and I. I have carried around anger alot towards her. People have told me She probably grew up in that environment, so that is all she knows. I always wondered than why I wasn't that way. When I was 14 going on 15 my mom had a my littlest brother Jonathon. He is 8 now. I new my mom wasn't very nurturing so I tried to take care of my brother. I helped to raise him. We are buddies. Even though I live far away now, I try to call him every week. I miss him SOOOO much. But while I was watching over him, I would have NEVER thought to hurt him, either physically, verbally or emotionally. So I always wondered why I wanted to make a change. Why I didn't want to lash out like my mom. Some people told me That I just think differently. My question to that was if I was raised in the same environment as my mom, why do I think differently. Wouldn't it cause me to think the same?
I also have an 18 year old brother. Him and I never got along to well. He takes after my mom alot. He loves to pick on our littlest brother. I remember once when Ben and I were real little, He had tried to roll up a sleeping bag. It didn't work so well so he came to my dad to have him roll it up. I laughed at him and made the comment to him "can't you do anything right?" That is exactly something my mom would have said. Ben ran into the other room and cryed. I felt so horrible. To this day I still feel horrible that I said something that mean. That I made him cry. I saw the hurt in his face, I still see it every time I think of that incident. Before I moved to OR, I wrote him a two page letter apologizing for that and for some other things. He didn't really say anything after he read it so I had to ask him if he accepted my apology, he said he did. I just can't forgive myself.
Tonight I was thinking about that incident. I was wondering if maybe after that incident of seeing the hurt in his face, I learned my lesson or something. I've always been more sensitive to how other people feel.
I've just started seeing a new counselor, Maybe I'll have to ask her that question. I Get to go see her on Monday again. I think this is a counselor that can really help me. This is my 10th counselor since junior year in high school. I have had two good counselors out of all ten. Stacy who I saw before this counselor, and Now Peggy. They went to school together so maybe that says something. It was probably a really good school.

Ok well I"ll stop rambeling now.

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