Sunday, November 19, 2006

I've Been Thinking Lately....

I have always wondered what can cause a parent to treat their child with such hate. My mom was very abusive to my brothers and I. I have carried around anger alot towards her. People have told me She probably grew up in that environment, so that is all she knows. I always wondered than why I wasn't that way. When I was 14 going on 15 my mom had a my littlest brother Jonathon. He is 8 now. I new my mom wasn't very nurturing so I tried to take care of my brother. I helped to raise him. We are buddies. Even though I live far away now, I try to call him every week. I miss him SOOOO much. But while I was watching over him, I would have NEVER thought to hurt him, either physically, verbally or emotionally. So I always wondered why I wanted to make a change. Why I didn't want to lash out like my mom. Some people told me That I just think differently. My question to that was if I was raised in the same environment as my mom, why do I think differently. Wouldn't it cause me to think the same?
I also have an 18 year old brother. Him and I never got along to well. He takes after my mom alot. He loves to pick on our littlest brother. I remember once when Ben and I were real little, He had tried to roll up a sleeping bag. It didn't work so well so he came to my dad to have him roll it up. I laughed at him and made the comment to him "can't you do anything right?" That is exactly something my mom would have said. Ben ran into the other room and cryed. I felt so horrible. To this day I still feel horrible that I said something that mean. That I made him cry. I saw the hurt in his face, I still see it every time I think of that incident. Before I moved to OR, I wrote him a two page letter apologizing for that and for some other things. He didn't really say anything after he read it so I had to ask him if he accepted my apology, he said he did. I just can't forgive myself.
Tonight I was thinking about that incident. I was wondering if maybe after that incident of seeing the hurt in his face, I learned my lesson or something. I've always been more sensitive to how other people feel.
I've just started seeing a new counselor, Maybe I'll have to ask her that question. I Get to go see her on Monday again. I think this is a counselor that can really help me. This is my 10th counselor since junior year in high school. I have had two good counselors out of all ten. Stacy who I saw before this counselor, and Now Peggy. They went to school together so maybe that says something. It was probably a really good school.

Ok well I"ll stop rambeling now.

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